Crisis

Its Rare that I write about things that aren't really existing in this mind of mine however as its a new year, I thought this year I would add a bit of everything and some diversity to this blog of mine. A good friend of mine Stewart Wallace who could easily be described as a quadruple threat has finally popped his designer hat on and started Cartica his fantastic designs for all of those of you who love shoes almost as much as I do. As well as this the incredibly talented Welshman destined for bright lights and city fame is a pretty darn talented singer songwriter, just to spoil you lot here is one of my favorite tracks to date Beautiful Day.

Check it out,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWhytppfXAs


When it comes to the wonderful Stewart all that needs to be said is this is just the beginning and watch this very shiny space!

Bright Lights, Big City.

We see eye to eye and heart to heart. Happy 2014.

Here we go we have entered into a whole new year. Expectations are high, memories are made, and the headaches of over indulging over Christmas are fading thankfully. Its a time where we set ourselves goals to which we try to accomplish for at least the first week or so, its a time  where we turn over those new leaves and start to write neatly on the crisp new pages of a shiny book for all its worth.

Its the one night of the year that we put so much focus on all our failures of days gone by, and very little emphasis on the times that made our hearts do that little jiggly thing, you know the one when your not sure if your going to be sick, faint, cry or smile, or all at the same time if this were even possible.

Its a night where we gather with people we love, or strangers in a bar just because its nice to be unknown sometimes, we either sit alone and reminisce being thankful that we have made it once again, or we get by missing those who no longer make our years that little bit more special.

Its that time where if our eyes still work in the way we need them to, we gather around and watch the fireworks fill the sky either through the safety and warmth of the television or outside wrapped up close to someone who's name you can hopefully remember and hope that with all of those bangs and beautiful colours that the future will be a little bit brighter or continue to be so.

As we enter into the first few days of the new year, the difference between determination and drunken promises and mind sets are shown. We are always so eager to make a change in ourselves, yet if its so desperately needed why to we wait and keep it safe for one day of the year, when we blow the dust of it and give it a go.

I could sit here, type furiously and explain everything I would like to do, the places I would love to see, the languages I would love to learn, the people I so desperately would like to meet, the promotions in work I feel I deserve and how I will try to get them, but I guess I would rather go out there give it a bash and see where I end up come the end of the month, one can hope it may all go rather swimmingly.

All there really is to say is the infamous Happy New Year guys, be the person you know you are not the one your so desperate to change when the glass in that mirror of yours gets involved. Love everyone as best as you can, because lets face it hating people should be so last year, and the one before that, and that and so on. Work hard because it pays for you to have the stuff you want in those glossy magazines. Do anything and everything you love just because you can and you will. Appreciate everyday even the shit ones, they make the amazing ones so much better as its good to have a comparison. Most of all smile, its easy, fun and proven to give you less wrinkles.

Happy 2014.

This is your heart............Can you feel it? Can you feel it?

"This is your racing heart, it pumps through your veins can you feel it? can you feel it?"

Do you ever really know someone?

This is a question that I cannot help but over think lately. Life is just that life, in among-st it there are people. People make life, those who we could not live a second without, those we very easily can and those who come make an impression and soon leave, these could be lovers, friends or simple passer by's.

I have loved and lost, everyone has right?

I have never known pain like it, loosing my grandmother, loosing my fiance of five years, loosing my best friend. It all happened in that order. My grandmother I had no control over, terminal illness is the cruelest thing. My fiance I had every control over, not over the pain he would cause me or the years of loosing myself to become someone's perfect ideal. My best friend I don't know what happened but its happened and been happening for a while now.

There is nothing that you can do, fight for it only to give it some stability for a little longer, give up altogether and suffer the "fool" feeling or be honest with the situation. My honesty is at times brutal, that is how I have been brought up no truth can ever be as bad as a lie, I live my life for what its worth this way. I have recently been told my honesty isn't a good trait I still cannot comprehend this.

I hate liars, I hate people that I know as walking jellyfish those with no spines, maybe this is why these relationships in which I had control over didn't work, maybe its my overpowering nature or need to be so incredibly honest and in all best intentions protect those who I love. 

These past few weeks have felt empty. Everything has taken so much effort the little things such as getting out of bed, facing the day, even talking have felt like mountains to climb. I don't feel I have what it takes to climb mountains at the minute.

All I have ever done is be myself, people move on, grow up, CHANGE, leave themselves behind in search of something else.

My ex fiance still wears his engagement ring, despite the fact our relationship truly ended a long time ago. My best friend has began a life with people surrounding her that will never truly care and my grandmother, she is still here, from that I have hope. For that I will stay the person I am, honest.

How am I going to be an optimist about this?!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F90Cw4l-8NY

Maybe I got last in translation, maybe I asked for too much.

Time to take a minute and just look this is the life you've created. Take a breath. Be proud just for a minute.

Turning 21 in three weeks terrifies me. I never wanted to grow up. I didn't want the family of my own, nor my own home and all of the responsibilities that came with it all. For most of it I didn't even want to get married. I didn't want to be anyone's just happily myself. I had dreams of travelling the world seeing all of the things that before those moments I had only ever heard of. I wanted a life of adventure and culture. To become a part of something and then leave just as quickly as I started and move on to the next world. My life hasn't turned out so Family Swiss Robinson.

In these 21 years I have made friends some that I shall keep for the rest of these years to come, some who I would happily forget. I have fallen in love with too many celebrities, covered my room in posters dedicated to Jared Leto. I have fallen in love with real people too, some I could regret, but luckily I never regret anything life isn't about that. However its taught me never to be reckless with people's hearts it will only make them reckless with mine, this I have learnt all too well. I have made the most fantastic memories and built the most treasured relationship with my mum, without her I wouldn't be a fraction of the person I am today. I have travelled, abroad and in this very country in a little caravan with my grandparents staring out of the window wondering where we were off to next.

I have made fortresses out of pillows and chair cushions. I have fought dragons and befriended all kind of creatures in the stories I have read, heard and created myself. I have taken many photo's some I still laugh at and some that make me cry. I have acted like an idiot most of these 21 years, in the rare moments I have got my shit together and acted half like the adult I am turning into. 

I have headed certain advice, such as "One day you'll know you deserve better, until then keep being yourself" and ignored other advice such as "Don't dye your hair black the colour will change yours forever" all I have to say to that is "Sorry mum you were right" and "Sorry about the years of wrecking the carpet, and the years to come of me wrecking it some more".

I have tried and succeeded and like everybody tried and failed, for example today my 17 year old brother passed his driving test and is driving his brand new Audi round, I have failed mine three times and my Peugeot 106 is still sat in my yard growing moss and its own plants!! You keep going though. 

I have met people that have inspired me to keep going and others that I have come across who have made me want to lie down and give up. These are the ones I am throwing away just like every letter I have from my bank! I have danced like a fool (that's the only way I know how too) alone and in the company of people that I couldn't ever imagine being without.

I have a best friend who makes my day without even trying, she understands me more than a person could and even the days when I think "Hurry up Em we are four hours late" or "Nevermind then we've missed the film" I love her and her family they really are like another part of my family and I wouldn't change this for the world.

I have a boyfriend who could make the sternest person laugh out loud, he is hilarious. He makes me a better person and I didn't think that could happen from meeting a stranger in an ice cream shop. His family make me realise even further just how he became so amazing. They are as a family everything I would like when creating my own. There is being in love and then there is this. No point in writing any more really as a writer he makes me speechless. 

I have stayed up far too late, rushed to work as if its a new olympic sport and been pretty useless. I have walked out of jobs as easily as I have luckily walked into them and at the age of 21 I am currently on my tenth job. Its hard working the  9-5 when your dreams do not fit into this. I will write, somewhere, one day.

I have put "holes" in my body as everyone tells me, I have an unhealthy addiction to piercings, and am trying to not have any more much to everyone's relief. I have loved and lost, loosing my grandmother is the hardest thing I have ever gone through but through this it has taught me about inner strength and that includes having days when even the smallest of things makes you burst into tears and you still aren't exactly sure as to why. It made me see my mum for the person that she truly is and this only makes me proud to be a part of this amazing woman.

Learning more and more about my mum as I got older has been one of the most amazing things, Doing what she has done single handedly is just mind blowing and I hope I can be just as she has been when I become a mum. Her inner strength yet ability to show such vulnerability bowls me over. Her honesty has been instilled in me as a woman and her knowledge (definitely about hair dying) makes me better everyday. I owe everything that I am and ever will be to my mum.

I look back on these two decades and a sparkly little year and think "Ohmydays" Time really has flown even on the days when it really felt like it couldn't have gone any slower! I am so very lucky to have the people that I do in my life, I would say blessed however in these past 21 years a love of God has never found its way into this heart of mine. I am truly overwhelmed by just what I have and what I have achieved. Life isn't measured by how much money you have in the bank and if it was then mine would certainly look pretty hopeless right now, but how many people you have around you and the memories that become your treasured possessions. I have too many of these and for this I may as well be the richest wannabe writer there ever was. 

I love everyone who has made these 21 years be it good or bad, its been an experience and surely that's what its all about?

Here's to the next 21.

You told me about your past thinking your future was me.

Here we are again in the middle of the night, I remember it all too well.

"So casually cruel in the name of being honest" - Taylor Swift.

 

 

They say that love finds you in the most unlikely places. That's what happened with me. I was lost in every way that a person could be until an ordinary customer who has an extraordinary ability to make me smile changed eveything I believed in. Its hard to love someone, really, honestly love someone because the what ifs suddenly become the most powerful two words in any kind of dictionary. You worry about little things that hadn't previously crossed your mind and you live a life that is completely controlled by someone else's emotions. If they are happy your both on top of this world, but if they are down then you may as well crawl back under that duvet of yours and hide.

My boyfriend is leaving, maybe, hopefully. To follow his dreams and become the best PE teacher possible. Where he is going doesn't matter, nor does the distance even if some days he might as well live on the moon. What does matter is that we are going to do this, we will squash the 'long distance relationship' rumours and make it work. Why? Because some things in life are worth the bare knuckle fight of it all. They are worth the aches from holding on so tightly.

He was that person that came into my life and saved me from everything. That statement alone proves why distance should never matter, my heart stays in my chest and that's where he shall be.