"This is your racing heart, it pumps through your veins can you feel it? can you feel it?"
Do you ever really know someone?
This is a question that I cannot help but over think lately. Life is just that life, in among-st it there are people. People make life, those who we could not live a second without, those we very easily can and those who come make an impression and soon leave, these could be lovers, friends or simple passer by's.
I have loved and lost, everyone has right?
I have never known pain like it, loosing my grandmother, loosing my fiance of five years, loosing my best friend. It all happened in that order. My grandmother I had no control over, terminal illness is the cruelest thing. My fiance I had every control over, not over the pain he would cause me or the years of loosing myself to become someone's perfect ideal. My best friend I don't know what happened but its happened and been happening for a while now.
There is nothing that you can do, fight for it only to give it some stability for a little longer, give up altogether and suffer the "fool" feeling or be honest with the situation. My honesty is at times brutal, that is how I have been brought up no truth can ever be as bad as a lie, I live my life for what its worth this way. I have recently been told my honesty isn't a good trait I still cannot comprehend this.
I hate liars, I hate people that I know as walking jellyfish those with no spines, maybe this is why these relationships in which I had control over didn't work, maybe its my overpowering nature or need to be so incredibly honest and in all best intentions protect those who I love.
These past few weeks have felt empty. Everything has taken so much effort the little things such as getting out of bed, facing the day, even talking have felt like mountains to climb. I don't feel I have what it takes to climb mountains at the minute.
All I have ever done is be myself, people move on, grow up, CHANGE, leave themselves behind in search of something else.
My ex fiance still wears his engagement ring, despite the fact our relationship truly ended a long time ago. My best friend has began a life with people surrounding her that will never truly care and my grandmother, she is still here, from that I have hope. For that I will stay the person I am, honest.
